Big Decision Made
Embracing uncertainty
Last week I made a colossal career changing decision, one that I've been musing over intensely for months, playfully for years. The process has not been linear. I have been back and forth, round the houses and hiding under the covers. I’ve battled with countless doubts, anxiety, fear, even depression and also contradictorily enjoyed all the ‘what if-ing’.
At night-time, when I eventually turn off my bedside lamp and snuggle down, I often excitedly think about big ideas, convinced that by morning my subconscious will have figured it all out. It never really has but it doesn’t deter me. My mind enjoys dreaming, scheming, possibilities.
Recently though I’ve been getting frustrated with my own indecision, annoyed at all the recurring, repetitive doubts and tired of relentlessly going back and forth over the same pros and cons.
So what happened to stop all my umming and ahhing? What made me finally choose a different path? It’s difficult to tell definitively. I’ve had meaningful chats with friends, filled notebooks with plans and ideas, convinced myself there have been ‘signs’ but really it just got to a point where I knew I couldn’t do another year of doing the same.
Certainty became scarier than uncertainty.
Now the decision is made l feel relief. Of course there are still doubts but my brain is much happier, free to think about the exciting new next steps, rather than berating my own indecision. And after I turn out my lamp tonight, I’m going to snuggle down and tell myself something that my perfectionist tendencies usually prohibit,
‘I’m well proud of you.’
